buying a new soul

dear friend,
yes, i know i ripped off the title from a steven wilson song. its funny, how I always land up listening to that song after listening to a billion other things. so, for the past 6 days, ive been attending an art class. i wanted to learn a new style of painting with epoxy resins and acrylics. the instructor told me that he had nothing new to teach me after he saw my work and curiously asked  from which art college did i graduate from. he said i needed to teach instead of learn after i told him i was trying my hand at ebru painting and tried to create my own ebru paints since its not available in the country i live in. i finally finished my painting today. i got alot of appreciation for it too. it saddens me though, the idea of being good in such a solitary hobby. i can sit for hours alone being engrossed in the details of it all. i wonder if im good at art because of the lack of people around me or i prefer art over having people around me. is it my refuge or my catharses?

i feel stuck. people say that my life is going to change soon;great adventures are going to be a part of my life etc. time is all that i need. when will my time come? sometimes i think things will change for the better in a new place,with new people where i  will have a chance to start over, away from everything. a new life.when will my time come?

"i woke up and i had a big idea
to buy a new soul at the start of every year
i paid up and it cost me pretty dear
here's a hymn for those that disappear"

always

Cageing Ageing

Dear friend,
I stood in front of the mirror today. I tried to figure out who I was and what I became in 9 years. Ive forgotten most of my childhood and early adulthood. Its like I woke up with a delete button and instead of deleting the bad stuff, I deleted all the good. Ive aged. I have wrinkles around my eyes when I smile and I have white hair. What started out as a single white strand at the age of 18 has ploughed its way through my field of hair and manifested as a salt and pepper pattern. luckily, Im still more of pepper. Im not the person I used to be at the age of 18 but I still have random memories that bind me to the past. I look back at my past entries and it seems like a completely different person wrote them. I fear that one day, Ill look into the mirror and I wont know who I am.
Im slowly beginning to accept the idea of being all by myself and thats how it can be and should be.
I dont know if this is a dark place or reality. Time will tell.

Always

Song writing.

Dear friend,
I'm song writing. I didnt know I could be good at it since I've tried my hand at it back in college. I guess all I needed was my bluke ( blue ukulele). I hum, I sing and then I write. But the again, I always wrote. what kind of music do I make? the better question would be , what kind of music would I like to make? I dont think I have it all figured out but I know I want my songs to belong to a nostalgic moment, the ones you look back to and smile and feel bittersweet about. I want my songs to be the words of a sentiment unable to be spoken. I want it to be a glowing memory of a time gone by, never to return, yet somehow, can always be revisited; to be omnipresent in times of nostalgia that lingers on a cold,lonely rainy day to bring forth a warm comforting embrace.

Do I sound reasonable (yet) ?

Always

Melancholia, again

Melancholia, again
trying to keep it at the surface
but it sinks in, unexpectedly
untimely, and without reason
I push it out but it never stays beyond
melancholia, again
always coming back like a lost lover
fight it, fight it, fight it.
melancholia, again
when will I truly be free?

For Blue Skies

You and i belong to a scene
Where the grass is green
And the skies are blue
And I'll play my ukulele for you

We will sit out in a field
In a dream world covered by a shield
Aloud, to me you read
Wisdom and nature our mind will heed

Lazing around on our blanket
Waiting around for a sunset
The winds blowing out a breeze
The pale yellow,orange,red of leaves

For you and i belong to a scene
Where the grass is green
And the skies are blue
And I'll play my ukulele for you

It's OK.

Dearest one,

I know you read my work. It's OK.
even if we are far and done
I know you still look at me. It's OK
even though in this cycle, you've won
I know our words lie in silence. It's OK
even if my thoughts can't speak or reckon
I know, you know, it's all OK.

Always,

A Few Radical Ways to Let Go of Someone Whom You Thought Was Your Kindred Spirit

Yes, I decided to use a long yet self explanatory title. Let's just make this as painless as it can be.

1) Isnt it simple, dont consider him to be your kindred spirit.

2) Assume that your favorite celebrity asked you out and you are the luckiest person coz he picked you over all the other groupies, admirers and flousies. you are indeed special. (NOTE: it doesn't work when your favorite celebrity is your object of affections. In fact, it's quite detrimental. You see his posters and youtube videos everywhere. Torture! )

3) Assume that the person who's the object of your affections is a sociopath/psychopath/dowry taker/wife beater. If you were together, he'd probably make you do all the house work and never let you do things that liberate you. You'd probably wear a burqa or a sari for the rest of your life and never leave home coz hes just that kind of guy. Consider yourself lucky that you got "saved" from that.

4) Know that even if u held a flashy neon sign on the road or advertised your feelings on a billboard for him to see, he will still turn a blind eye.

5) Know that even if you are at your best with him, he will always find someone else more pretty, more talented and more interesting than you. Its not because of any flaws in you. Its coz he cant see through you. You can never justify why you are the way you are in his eyes. While hes out there, looking for someone better than you, know that you deserve someone who is 10 times better than him and that the person he is looking for, will never sum up to who you are.

6) If he was really your reflection, he would mirror you, not walk away even when you have unsolvable issues. You rather be with a person who says," NO, I will stay in your life and we will figure this out , however long it takes." rather than "NO, I don't want you anymore. you are too complicated"

7) If he really wanted to be with you, he would. NO excuses. If he really cared, he would talk to you. NO excuses.

8) Assume that if he got you pregnant, he would have chucked you out of the house in the cold harsh winter and would never open the door for you.

Maybe one day, you don't have to assume anymore. You will find someone who will be a rock star in your eyes and you know that he , in his wildest dreams, will never hurt you. On the contrary, will let you fly. In all your mess, he finds solace and becomes a pillar of strength for you too and will always open doors for you, whatever the weather outside. Till then, I'm willing to assume.