happiness and contentment

today....i opened my eyes and woke up in a completely different surrounding...even though this surroundin was my home in bombay.... a strange alienating emotion swept ova me...like i dint belong here..or the purpose of my existance in this place is still yet not to b attained...

though...little guilty pleasures like eating macdonalds again....watchin movies on widescreen multiplexes..havin a little of social life...totally enthralls me no doubt!

its diwali...and the streets have been lighted up along wit color.people seem so happy...even when their shops are open during the holiday session....people seem like they r happy being who they are...and where they are....and for the 1st time...i realized...that i COULD be happy too u know...

let me tell u what happened to me the other day in manipal... :)
ok...i must have ranted on before on how much i hate that place and want any oportunity to get out....
well...i was on my friends scooty sitting at the back seat and i was listening to my ipod...and it began to drizzle....and i let my hands loose in the air..wit raindrops trickling down my skin...and the wind in my hair...i felt that it was the most exhilarating moment of my life...I was happy....

yesterday i felt somwhere close to that seeing all the beautiful lights and buildings....though i wished my special friend was there wit me that time....and i let him know of it too :)

im leaving bombay in 2 days...yet i guess i would never leave or forget the lesson i learnt from looking at lights.... live for the moment..coz u may never know when the oil or the source of ur light could go away...and all that wud b left...wud b darkness....

and all that was left...was blood....

A lions heart...Ladies fingers and An eagles eye is what is needed to be a good surgeon....thats what i heard in the beginning of my oral surgery posting...but the depth of those words is what i understood today....
i conducted my first extraction today....and all i saw was blood...pain...and more blood...my proffesor said i did a good job...but did i?
its strange..really...how to prevent a particular pain to increase we inflict another kind of pain...
now...is this applicable only in dentistry or in our personal lives too??
in some people...they inflict their pain..or sadness on other people...its known as the displacement theory....normally seen in children..or young adults...
and in some people... pain is more self inflicting....
but can u tell me 1 thing...i hardly knew the man whos extraction i did today...then why..for the first time of my life...did i feel his pain...????

why did it feel like the blood i see is my own...why did it feel that i need to breathe..to get some fresh air!! ....
i really need to breathe....for once...i want my lungs to get some fresh air.....for somtimes...i feel suffocated....and sometimes...i dont even know why....
one of my dreams in life was to become som1 who could just help people to let their pain go away....and right now....what i see...is someting far much worse.....

time warp....

there i was...sitting in the train...returning from a much awaited...most anticipated journey...and there i was...back in manipal...yet i wondered (like i alwayz do)
i am here...and still...my heart hasnt yet made that fateful journey across states...across borders...i chuckled silently how the law of physics and inertia never works for me when i need it the most...somting to snap me bak into the current affairs of time...1 day...it will...and will hit me hard....
have u ever felt that u needed to do somthing or u were somwhere else when uve ben in the same place for a very long time... :) ....
if we can manage to cage our past...why cant we ever entrap our future..that too..is time...isnt it?
i was talkin to my friend mike...and he asked what wud i ask from god..if i was granted a wish....i told him i wanted to fly...to be free....
all of us are slaves....our human nature is such that makes us fall into such shackles....some of us are slaves of other people...some of us are slaves of weaknesses....AND some of us....are slaves of time....
i was walking through a road from the movie hall back to my hostel...alone...and i realized...this is the very same road i walked wit so many people...some good...some not so good....and what was so different about tat day...i chose to walk alone...the roads wer terrible as it alwayz were...the cows still roamed the land...yet..in my solitude...my memories gave me company...time warp...even though i was alone....i was NEVER exactly alone...
i alwayz believe that the best way to know about life is to ask a loner...coz he neither is a friend...neither is he a foe...and by the time were 30 tryin to learn how to change diapers...he must have reached a near spiritual state due to keen observation skills and the knack for patience...
i tried the same....seperated myself from the world...gave up the so called friends to seek a life i dint knw...at first i was all alone...no1 to help me..no1 to love me...i cudnt control the uncontrollable silence and sadness that swept through me..all of a sudden...the world had become quieter place to me...
and then...1 day...i decided to go out...this life of solitude wasnt for me...yet...
and then...i realized...the silence i had ben grievin about was the most beautiful thing god ever gave me...coz..to others it was silence...to me...it was the answers to some of the questions i always seemed to have...yet never heard it...coz i was muddled wit the worldly ways of living...

and today...when i am my most productive..when im alone..the world doesnt let me...and to that question....i still havent found an answer to....

sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder....sitting in my room...out in the common room...out of my building...
the forces that govern me...or is it the reigns im controlling,
my fate,my destiny,my being,
to bear witness to all my seeing,
no hope wit a candle,or a prayer on the lips,
this war...this inner war,a storm within the seas of ships.

sometimes i wonder...if im the only 1 that knows
the beauty of the sky,the serenity in the rivers that flow
to all who know to destroy,with the roads you built,
try to create,those tendrils of love,after youve been consumed by guilt,
knowing that never a tree grew,in the land of man
damned for life,though its never too late,learn now,as much as u can.

coz,the hearts feared darkness,would reach to the heavens gates,
no light,no hope,no teary prayer,cud save us,coz its too late,
dark grey rivers,skies filled with thunder!
learn my fears,my friend....coz sometimes i wonder....

a fotograph!

a photograph could mean so many things...a particular fotograph..could mean nothing to an individual yet mean somthing much more to another.it could b just a piece of paper to 1 yet for another it could b a trunk full of memories,emotions,hope and faith.a fotograph..wow..when a beloved goes missing...a fotograph is givin to alert the crowd..and the person wishesso much..that som1..somwhere..wud recognize the person in the picture...and send the most powerful messge across..."hes alive..and hes safe.."

in love,lost or unrequited,a fotograph could be the only solace tat everything is fine...everything is going to b ok.

out of personal experiances,i knw for a fact that photographs..could be givin a near humanstatus..for me ...they became my friends,they became my keen listener..no prejudices,no grudges and no expectations..true friendship..

its strange coz when 1 look back at their childhood photos,a change can be seen,and awstruck,they wonder,

"could i be the person in that picture..was i a better individual then..was i happy back then?have i done somthing significant to make this world a better place?"

its wierd how fotographs could make us realize so many things in just 1 look.

yes..there is alwayz deceptive fotography..on how 1 can hide their scars or moles at just abasic angelation of the camera,our life is somthing similar.all the skeletons of our closet,hidden...deep and far away from the spotlight.


certain fotos behave like the yang in the ying too,an affair captured on camera,could meana collapsed world for a person assuming that the person she loved,loved her back.
recently what came to my posession was a picture,a picture of a friend and me.mixed emotionsran through me in an instant!..wow...how old was this fotograph!..wow..we were so happy together...what happened?...ahh..wow..good times.it broke my heart coz we werent the best of friends anymore,yet what consoled me were the memories of that moment,which i could relive through the fotographs...the very same day i called him..


wish i could b a photographer,i could capture the beauty wit just a click of a button,i could control wat i want to see and what i want to belive and the rest,could b thought about later...

A new beginning...

there comes a time in man when he reaches a cross road,1 road leads ahead,uncertain of its destination,yet promises achievement and prosperity
the other road promises a change,from the monotony of the past,from the desperation to break free..
the last road is alas!,the road we are on right now,where we take a round trip and go back,finding solace in our current environment,a certain security in the certainty and existence of our being.

just think,I'm on the 2ND road.

What do u see when u look into a mirror?
is there a glint in your eye which shows well being and contentment?
have you achieved the greatness we always aspire to achieve or have you missed out on YET another opportunity?

now you may ask,whats the connection between the 1st and 2ND paragraph in my so called "Character assessment" scheme of things.there is, our decisions are based on what we see within us,our desires,our fears,our phobias.for eg ,a person scared of water would never imagine becoming a surfer.

sometimes to want something,we need to make alot of sacrifices.i want to become a dentist so bad,yet to become 1, I'm
1)away from my family,which is the core of my very existence
2)in a place which has no potential in bringing out the best in me
3)falling short of the things that 1Ce used to define me...my art...my poems...my dance..in short..my creative potential that keeps me sane
4)becoming dependant on my ipod and books to pass time through the days..

its not like i don't see whats becoming of me,i see it,every moment of my life.Yet,i choose to ignore it.like in "gone with the wind",there is a very famous line which says,'ill deal with this tomorrow',tending to postpone my misery indefinitely.

the second road awaits me,lets see what it has to offer...