Thursday, January 11, 2018

Grief

Dear friend,
It's been two years since I've written to you. I have a lot to say yet I , like every diary writer who hasn't written for a while, don't know where to begin. So, lets start. I am a school teacher now. My previous posts were all about dentistry and now I look back and feel like I am a whole new person looking at reflection of what I once used to be. The essence remains vaguely familiar yet strangely foreign.

Yesterday, at work, some teachers were discussing about a student in the 8th grade who lost her father 2 days before Christmas. They were a bit puzzled to why she hadn't shown any visible signs of grief to any of her friends or family or teachers. I generally don't interfere in personal discussions yet I mentioned that grief is such a private emotion. Not everyone has the strength or personality or the will to show it publicly. Despite the constant nature of it , one could only be able to catch glimpses of it in people, and that too, if you are really willing to look. Unfortunately, and I knew this was coming, the teachers asked me how did I know so much in depth of such a primal emotion.I poignantly exclaimed by saying, someone left me on Christmas too.

I remember reading somewhere that the holidays are generally tough for people because of the expectation to be constantly cheery and happy, which puts a lot of pressure on those who struggle with the basics of being alive. Needless to say, the holidays have always been hard on me. Yet, in my travels, I recently met 2 Swedish drug and alcohol addicts who have been sober for years. Their journey of self discovery, acceptance and growth brought so much strength to me. I knew I'd never see them again, yet I would always value the lesson that brief , chance occurrence taught me; that there is more to life than this (whatever this means),  and I need to keep the journey going and maybe one day, all this ( whatever this means) would make sense, because to quote the Indonesian band Peterpan, " I can tolerate this pain, I just can't understand it."

A friend of mine once told me that he doesn't pursue happiness anymore, I never understood that because I always felt that the pursuit of happiness is what gives us purpose, and a goal to live a full life. I understand him now, though still being optimistic about hope and happiness, that sometimes, we need to stop trying to run behind things that seem to give us joy, and to just focus on the details of our now. The now that probably is happy but we can't see it, yet.

My year started off with a lot of grief; people leaving, bus banging into trees, and pots and pans falling onto my head,  but I'm going to focus on the details, the now, because I am sure, 10 months from now, I'd laugh this all off. At least I hope I do.

I try not to be solitary anymore. I make efforts. I guess if I ever wanted to be appreciated for anything in life is the fact that I did not give up. I pulled through. Letting go of a career that I once loved dearly or even the people in my life, it broke me, but I pulled through. I made uncertainty my friend and trusted my instincts. I don't see myself as a failure, but an unexpected success story, I wish people saw how hard it was for me and believed that too.

I guess I wrote a lot for one day. I don't know when my next post would be. However, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.

Always.


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